#they've been adults in my game for fair bit now

[apricote]

am i brave enough to already put some grey in adelia's hair!!!!!

[artymcartist]

ALRIGHT because someone did want em My post s2 drabbles for the group au we're doin

I'll paste most of em here, but here's an AO3 link to the rest of the stuff!!

LUKAS SCRIVENS

- Takes up mentoring Radar in F!Jesse's absence

- He writes to her and Petra often about how things are going in town

- The new Ocelots don't disband, but with so many members, Lukas starts running it like a guild.

- He builds a little guild hall in town for people to submit requests to and for members to take them. Probably helps take a load off of Radar's shoulders as the current Hero in Resident

- Either stays with Radar or Jack and Nurm during long stays, his house out of town still stands. He's home less often. Eventually he'll possibly make a little apartment either on top of or behind the guild hall. Maybe.

- Helps in managing Beacon Town

- Surprisingly takes leading the Ocelots and helping with Beacon Town pretty well, despite his independent nature.

- The Ocelots guild gains some notoriety outside of town, and they begin getting long distance requests via traders dropping them off at the Guild Hall. Possible adventure?

---

- He's not sure how to feel about Jesse's brother at first. It's kind of weird having a near carbon copy of one of your best friends with the exact same name.

- Observes the little man for quite a while. He slowly becomes more comfortable with him. Its like Jesse and Lukas got reversed from S1

- Allows him to live in his house on one of his couches. Dewey doesn't like him for QUITE a while.

- Enjoys having another parental force for Radar. Single parenting the hyperactive young adult could be a nightmare on his own some days.

- Having Jesse around allows him to write a bit more often.

- Totally diaries about the man and his eventual acceptance of him into his life.... and eventual feelings. Because you know it's gonna happen eventually. LMAO

-----------------------------------------------

JESSE DOS MINECRAFT

- Was living out in a little village far from Beacon Town on the world's edge before his sister called him to town.

- He's never been in Beacon Town before, and is slightly overwhelmed by it at first. He quickly learns to settle in however.

- Bro is covered in scars, some you'd wonder how he even got.

- A little more blunt and reckless than his sister, but to be fair, he hasn't really seen anything she has other than the Wither Storm.

- Speaking of, he's spooked by dreams of the Wither Storm. He only ever saw the beast when it was split in three.

- After the Wither Storm was defeated a second time, he attempted to return home. It was entirely destroyed. Not a single thing was left. So he set off to find somewhere else.

- A small town, practically just the size of a village, to the far east is where he finally settles down. He helps out with basically everything in an attempt to earn his keep.

- He's initially skeptical about returning to the resting grounds of the beast, but immediately forgets upon arriving (mostly due to being entirely overwhelmed by the two towns now residing there LMAO)

- He IS amazing by how they were able to bring life back to the entirely barren wasteland the monster left in it's path. Proud of his sister's great job assisting in building the place back up.

---

- A little put off by Radar's immense energy at first, but comes to enjoy the lil fella.

- Lukas... man. He's got no words. Insanely curious about the blonde.

- Enjoys the stroll from Lukas' house to Beacon Town. He'd probably go insane living in the town itself. He occasionally stays with him and Radar when needed.

- Starts stealing Lukas' bed at night after they've gotten comfortable with each other. Though, admittedly, he got comfortable quicker knowing this man was a friend of his sister.

---

- Occasionally also writes to his sister

"DUDE you didn't tell me you knew a sick ass blonde, he's pretty cool. Not getting over the leather jacket anytime soon."

"Sad I didn't get to see Reuben again before he died. Lukas and Radar tell me he died a hero. The memorial you built for him is nice. P.S. gonna beat up whoever this 'Romeo' guy is for destroying it"

"They're telling me about this portal network you guys explored. Sounds pretty cool. Lukas doesn't like to talk about the robot thingy though. Does this 'Ivor' fella still have that atlas? I'd love to go exploring sometime."

"YOU DIDN'T TELL ME JACK LIVED HERE TOO. I'm so going to beat you up next time you visit."

- He's not nearly as big of a fan as Petra is, but word goes around. Even to his itty bitty village on the world's edge

[quartings]

Looking back on X&Y's release 10 years ago...

I still remember queueing up in line for the XY release day literally a whole decade ago- my brother, dad, and one of my best friends were with me and we all went out to Krispy Kreme afterwards- I evolved my first Spewpa there to see which regional Vivillon I had!

Nowadays I can't even imagine pre-ordering a Pokemon game, since I have to wait and see if they perform decently, have enough content in them to justify the $60USD price tag, and whether their DLC is good if not. I've become an old, jaded, beaten-down adult since then, haha...

But enough negativity for now- there are so many good things XY had that we should acknowledge!

Fairies are one of the biggest- we've had them for 10 YEARS now, everyone! Remember when they released the XY demo before the game launch and everyone was hitting Sylveon with everything to see how the new type matched up with everything? And now, Fairy has been paired up with all but two of the other types! They've also become the most OP type now (which is an issue they were made to stop) but it could always be worse! Who knows, maybe in 10 more years, the type chart might be unrecognizable!

They even managed to model and animate over 700 Pokemon on a handheld game, plus all their extra forms! Nowadays, Pokemon games can't manage to do that for even 500 Pokemon on launch.

Mega Evolution was the first battle gimmick ever introduced, and to this day it still remains so much better than the others that we're all still hoping and praying it comes back. I know there were some qualms that mostly OP and popular Pokemon got megas, but naturally the solution shouldn't be "No Megas"- it should be "More Megas"! And we all know someday we're going to have to raid Gamefreak's vault for their Mega Flygon concept art- we know it's out there!! Anyways, I'm glad Megas still get respect in spinoffs- Pokemon GO, Mystery Dungeon, Smash Bros, etc. It gives me hope that one day they really will return.

But the more negative things about XY need to be addressed too- while the games themselves were good, a lot of people rightfully agree that they were the beginning of many declines for the games.

The extremely low difficulty for no reason- NPCs and bosses having miniscule teams with less than 4 moves, rarely any held items and a poorly-made level curve. I can't think of anyone before who thinks the games before were "too hard" or that they're now "just right". To be fair, they've remedied this every now and again with actual challenging bosses (Totems and Ultra Necrozma, BDSP Cynthia, Volo, Team Star Bosses, Sada/Turo, Kieran, and the Ogre Clan) but I do hope this issue gets fully resolved one day. It's not fun playing through 90% of the games mindlessly clicking through the same highlighted "super effective" button over and over.

The "overly friendly rival" problem that first started in XY has finally been fixed though- while Gens 6-8 suffered a bit from it, Gen 9 doesn't just have decent rival characters- Nemona, Arven, Penny, Carmine, and Kieran have been some of my favorite Pokemon characters ever!

The lack of postgame areas and things to do first started in XY. While Looker and Emma's story was great, it didn't offer much of a challenge and there was barely anything to do afterwards. And nowadays when we do get substantial postgames in Pokemon they're paid DLC. And as long as we're getting DLC from now on, can we PLEASE have one that contains a Battle Frontier, please???

Mythicals no longer having their own areas and quests also started in XY- so many unfinished areas in the game that should've gone to them.

Kalos is the only main Pokemon region to only exist in one iteration so far- all others were expanded upon with remakes, sequels, third versions, ultra versions, or DLC. I do hope in maybe 5 years or so we do get XY remakes that'll finally do Kalos justice.

Another problem that eventually got fixed is small amounts of new Pokemon- I remember being in total disbelief that Gen 6 only had 72 new Pokemon, waiting for more to get announced someday. But with Gen 9, we finally have generations containing well over 100 Pokemon again, which is a massive relief!

And one more major underrated change that Gen 6 brought to Pokemon- it's the first one to ever have a worldwide release! I still remember spending most of Gen 5 learning Japanese names of all the new Pokemon, moves, characters, etc while waiting for BW's English release. But nowadays we can all enjoy a new generation's launch around the world at the same time! That's another thing to be grateful for!

But yeah, in these last 10 years so many things have changed and many others have stayed the same- for the Pokemon franchise and for my own life! While not all of it has been perfect, it still blows me away how far we've come, and how much more we need to improve on! I was still a nerdy little kid who didn't know how to draw digitally when these games came out- and now I'm an adult who makes animated shorts and works at an animation production company!

I have no clue if I'll be ready in 2026 for SM's 10th anniversary and the 30th anniversary of the franchise overall! Maybe everything will be better or it'll have gotten so much worse. Either way, I'm happy to have made it this far with you all and can't wait to make a similar post for the 10th anniversary of this blog, too!

[bylertruther]

ewww serious (and long) post incoming, but for future reference: just because this is the internet... that doesn't mean that real-world etiquette doesn't apply.

if you go up to a random stranger and assume that they're talking about you, they're unlikely to take kindly to that. they're especially unlikely to take kindly to you then accusing them of lying, waving your hands in the air to get other strangers in on this conversation, badmouthing them, and walking away before they can even get a word in.

if you wouldn't do that or accept that behavior yourself in real life, why would it suddenly be acceptable online?

wouldn't you feel confused and offended if you were the one getting accused of something you didn't do? if you were thrust into a no-win game where it doesn't matter how or if you do or don't respond, because the outcome is still going to be the same? if you were trying to mind your business and someone else decided to warp that, create a spectacle of it, and broadcast it to thousands of people? if the person accusing you of something then went on to do that very same thing in an effort to garner support as if this is a battle of some sort?

isn't that just... rude? to go up to a stranger and assume that whatever they're doing is about you? to go up to a stranger and assume that you've preoccupied their mind and time? to pick a fight that you won't see through and slander them to thousands of people?

like. yes, this is the internet. no, i don't actually feel personally hurt or anything over what happened—because i know who i am, and you can go back through my blog and a) see the fifty posts i've made on the sword debate, and b) a post from the night before where i literally predicted what ended up happening—but i do take issue with the behavior that we do and don't allow in this e-space.

i don't have to respond to someone's presumptuousness with my usual chummy, fluffy tone that i reserve for my followers and friends. i don't have to take care not to sound "defensive" when i've literally been thrust into an argument where i'm now forced to defend myself against someone that was already being defensive, hypocritical, and that doesn't actually care to hear my answer because they've already made their judgement anyway. i don't have to take someone trying to speak over me or talk someone down sweetly when they're making an attack on my character, and neither does anyone else that's ever been put in a similar position. i'm not jesus—i'm not going to turn the other cheek.

personal issues can explain why a person behaves the way they do, but they don't excuse that behavior or make it okay. none of us should ever make our personal problems someone else's problem—that's a mark of poor emotional control, and it's just not fair to anyone else.

not all of us are adults here, i know, but most of us should know better. if you want this to be a true community, then you need to behave appropriately and maturely.

there's a person behind the pixels that are on your screen, and they're every bit as real as you are. if you wouldn't do something in person, then you shouldn't do it online either.

that's just my two cents, though.

[thewornoutandtired]

Why My Boys Like Me

None of the other adults get it. Why do the kids always want to be around me? After all, Uncle Tyler is always mean to them, calls them names, makes fun of them, and tortures them for laughs. Yet the kids follow me around like lost puppies, doing whatever I say in whatever ridiculous game I decide we're playing this time.

It's especially bad with my boys. The three oldest, closer in age to me than their mothers are. They've always been my subjects, and dealt with some of the worst punishments I could dole out. From wrestling with the big strong uncle to beatings with foam swords, I've always been an awful bully to them.

At least, that's what everyone else thinks. They've never understood how it really is, far removed from their inner child as they are.

Once they're old enough to join the club of "Uncle Tyler's Room," they learn the rules quick. Those kids are all treated as equals. From the 20-year-old to the 6-year-old, to even me, nobody's exempt from the rules of the game. Play as a team, don't bad mouth people, share the controllers or the weapons, play fair, and plenty of other rules that children grasp immediately but adults have trouble with. We all play together, and if anyone acts out, everyone has to get out. They police themselves that way.

I also talk to them like humans. The other adults treat them like children, which they are, but to others that means treating them soft. What the adults view as being mean, is just talking to them like I'd talk to anyone else. Snide comments, jokes they're the butt of, and honest criticism when they deserve it. The kids eat it up, for better or worse, and they seem to honestly appreciate it.

For the boys, my boys, it's a bit more complicated. I grew up only a few years before them, and they watched me turn from a vicious, vindictive asshole, into somebody who wields their iron fist with a gentler hand. In turn, I got to watch them grow from kids who needed correcting every five minutes into young men who can play for hours even among the younger ones without losing their cools.

The boys understood while I always made them play as a team. I played the games all the time, so they had to use teamwork to kill me. I also stacked the odds against me, doing everything I could to make it possible for them, while also not holding back or letting them win. It's a weird sense of fairness, and even now we still play them.

Even when we were wrestling or fighting with swords, there was a weird sense of respect. They could hit me with whatever, and I'd do my best not to hurt them in return. I never lied about taking a hit, taught them a bit about what kind of hits a human body could take, and showed them some proper techniques on how to do fight.

As they got older, they learned that I was on their side first. Not their mothers', not my mother's, theirs. If something was going on, I was their first call, and I got there as soon as I could. Whether it was calming down their mothers, mediating a conversation, or picking them up from school.

They also learned that they could talk to me without me judging them. We talked about their struggles, their interests, hell even their sexuality. Sometimes they just wanted to know my experiences or opinions on something. Sometimes they just wanted to hear about the things I can't talk about in front of their mothers. More than once they'd gotten into a sticky spot and needed advice or help. I still told them how stupid they or their choices were, but I helped anyway.

My boys also learned how fiercely protective of them I could boy. From beating the shit out of three high-school punks who thought they could jump a middle-schooler, to getting into a shouting match with a Karen who couldn't handle an honest mistake from a teenager, to taking in a boy who's own mother had just kicked him out.

The boys have all called me "dad" at one point or another, and we just pretend I didn't hear it. They don't really have fathers themselves, but maybe having an Uncle Tyler is almost as good.

[oumaheroes]

How would England act if someone insulted/hurt one of his kids? And how would he have done it in the past?

It very much depends on who's doing the insulting and what the insult is but overall when they're young he wouldn't stand for anyone to insult his children

Arthur's always been protective of his kids. He wants them to have a better childhood than he did and he has the authority and influence to shield them even just by virtue of being his children. There would be very few who would insult any of them with actual malice (mostly because as children they'd not have too much reason to be hated by anyone- they've been well-taught, are well behaved in public and they're children) but if anyone did then Arthur wouldn't let it slide. Small side digs would be called out immediately and he would be instantly furious

For family though it is slightly different, so long as there's a reason. If Australia accidentally bats a cricket ball through one of Scotland's downstairs windows and Alisdair calls him a butter-fingered cunt, Arthur would accept that as fair game. But if Australia drops something just because he's clumsy and Alisdair snaps at him, Arthur would snap right back. This kind of comes into play because his older brothers are the only other people that Arthur would let discipline his children- they raised him for the most part and their morals, values, and tolerance for 'good' and 'bad' behaviour is mostly shared.

@draw-a-circle-thats-the-foxhole said it perfectly in a recent post which I wholeheartedly accept but Arthur and his brothers have an agreement in place- don't turn my kids against me or each other. They want to do better by them than what their own relationships turned into at times and so although Arthur has some tolerance should his siblings yell at or discipline his children, he is always watching from the sidelines to make sure that this line isn't crossed

As adults, Arthur is more lenient. If someone insults his grown up children he'll stay silent if he thinks that it's warrented/ minor because they're grown up and independent now- they need to be able to navigate life for themselves and him stepping in will only embarass them. If it is unwarranted, he might speak up and take their side by sharing their opinion or telling the other person to wind their neck in a bit but again he lets whichever child it is take the lead. He'll watch their body language and step in if he thinks they need him too, erring on the side of caution and staying back because he wants them to grow a spine of their own and him needing to defend them is somewhat shameful for all of them- him for bad parenting by being too soft with them, and them for being so easily affected by someone's words

No one would dare insult any of Arthur's kids to his face and behind their backs- no matter what age they are this is cowardly behaviour that Arthur will not tolerate, warranted criticism or not

Hurting is similar for the most part.

Again, will instantly react if anyone dared hurt them as children but it would be far more physical. I don't think they ever were intentionally hurt as children though- with Arthur for a parent, no one dared. The difference here is his brothers. Arthur is okay with them disciplining if they feel like it's needed but did not allow them to lay a hand on any of them for anything. Big hard no.

Although Arthur went for a belt or slipper at times I think he's more of a shouter/ punish by making an example/ learn your lesson the hard way sort of parent. Never deprived them of food or warmth, never left a mark on them or drew blood and certainly never let anyone else punish them physically at all. Would go apeshit if a teacher hurt them, for example

As adults, similar again to insulting. He'll step in if they look overwhelmed or the fight is uneven but he steps back more here, especially if it's a fight that they've picked themselves. If Alfred goes swaggering up to someone and starts the fight by word or by fist then Arthur will happily watch him get punched into the dirt to teach him a lesson. If the fighting starts looking deadly or things go too far maybe, but his children once again need to learn how to navigate the world they're born into. Be careful what battles you pick and who with. Learn to think on your feet and consider alternatives. Think before you speak.

If someone hurts them unwarranted though he's back to being furious

[natsunoomoi]

Introspection on Fandom and Personal Trauma

The last couple of posts I went down a YYH and specifically Hiei rabbit hole. To be fair, I'm almost always down that rabbit hole because it's my absolute favorite show and life experiences basically brought me back around to Hiei, but I just don't usually post about my thoughts down that rabbit hole.

I'm now almost 40 and started watching the show like about when the series started and I was 10 years old. There was a Japanese grocery store in my hometown called Yaohan and later renamed/bought by Mitsuwa Marketplace. That market though had a video rental place that rented out VHS tapes recorded in Japan with Japanese shows and shipped to the US including commercials, so while I watched it about 7 weeks removed for recording 4 weeks and then shipping time, and there was a language barrier because my native language was English with a bit of Cantonese, I basically experienced the show first in a similar way to fans in Japan. It was basically how you got raws before the internet was a thing. I'm pretty sure the video rental place basically started that service in order to cater to the Japanese businessmen and their families that were temporarily settled in the US so that they could get a taste from home even though they were abroad.

Because I was 10 though, I didn't really have disposable income to buy merch, but as an adult now with disposable income, some of my for fun shopping purchases is tracking down all the things with Hiei's face on it that I couldn't get when I was small. I still got some things back then that I'm very proud of and have held onto since those days, but I had limited money available for it. This shopping endeavor's been made more complicated though because of the recent anniversary merch since I'm buying that too, but still. I don't know how to explain it, but YYH makes me happy so no regrets here. My MajiBattle app even has a party of basically only Hiei or support related to Hiei because of my fandom. I also lowkey made a guild of just myself (because I don't trust other people and want the game to stop bugging me about joining one) that's just a Hiei Appreciation FC. LOL I threw money at Langrisser too just to recruit Hiei into my party. I don't play that Othello game and I have PazuDora, but I couldn't get him to drop in that one there. I don't play that game much anyway (although I probably would more if I did get him to drop for me). Still though, the show just gives me joy. I still kind of want Amnibus to stop releasing more mugs. I know they're going to keep doing it because people like me keep buying them, but I have so many mugs of mostly Hiei in my kitchen. Earlier on I bought entire sets, but after they started releasing so many collections of them I started only buying my favorites, so always Hiei, always Kurama, always Youko Kurama, and always Yukina. Everyone else I might get if I have cash to spare. Like I think I even skipped out on getting Hagiri Kaname/Sniper just because he's not top priority even if I like him. I think there's Jin and Touya too, but I didn't get those. The other merch, I prioritize mostly on Hiei. Especially with mobile batteries. I have all the mobile batteries that they've released. I'm sad one of my J-World ones is having issues though so I stopped using it because I'm afraid it's going to explode. I just have it kept aside for the design. That one's limited edition so I can't really get it replaced. I'd have to find out if I can get it repaired or get the internal battery swapped out and just keep the cover. I just can't resist getting Hiei batteries though because it makes me giggle to think my devices are powered by Kokuryuuha. LOL To be fair, I also bought Bungou Stray Dogs merch from them too, but mostly Akutagawa and the reason why I like Akutagawa is because he and Rashoumon remind me of Hiei and the Kokuryuuha. Mostly because the way they drew the Kokuryuuha from the front it looks really flat. Like one weakness of the anime is that the animators weren't able to really give it dimension from the front. From the side you can clearly see it's a dragon and is dragon shaped, but from the front my sister and I always thought it looked like it had a shield for a face so we used to call it "shieldy face" for funsies. Hiei would kill me. XD

Even after the series was over too, I had a soft spot for whenever I heard Hiyama-san's voice. Like most recently I've been playing FFXIV and Hiyama-san plays Pipin Tarupin which is an ikemen Lalafell Gladiator, so basically ANOTHER SHORT SWORDSMAN. He upgraded job classes more recently in Stormblood though so now he's a "Dark Knight". I think the casting director liked Yu Yu Hakusho because he's basically Hiei. Madarame Ikkaku is basically also just as battle hungry, and Sanageyama in Kill la Kill has an eyes all over kind of move. I think Hiei as a role just kind of stalks him. I don't think it bothers him so much. He was even Chintou in Senkaiden Houshin Engi I think because Chiba Shigeru (Kuwabara's VA) was the casting director and Chintou is a youkai sennin with fire powers that can turn all green and has his hair standing on end and split down the middle. You know, like Hiei does when in full jaganshi mode. Most recently was in Jujutsu Kaisen which is pretty popular here now although not as popular as Kimetsu no Yaiba because some kids think it's actually TOO SCARY, but Eso is by far way more flamboyant, but I favor him instantly just because of Hiyama's voice. It's become a weakness that hits me everytime I hear it. Like I was happy to hear him even in Saiunkoku Monogatari and that role is relatively more taciturn because he plays a scholar, and I still love Koyu. Even in my Tales games, I actually favor Leon Magnus in that series, but I still give a lot of stuff to Veigue just because of this habit of automatic favoritism.

I kind of touched on it a bit in recent posts, but when I was young I really liked Hiei. He was cool, but mostly I just liked that he saw people as they were and on their own merit and accomplishments. At the time as well, I thought that he could at least exhibit self-control whereas all the guys around me and in most media at the time made fools of themselves thinking of women, chasing women, etc. It was such a trope and it affected me as a kid then. Like early play and imaginary games I had with my sister when we were really small often involved us attracting some fictional guys in the crowd for being awesome and winning a race or something and then we'd marry them and have babies. Those were the hopes that I had at the time. If you asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would have some amount of ambition and would think like Queen, President, doctor, or something like that, but thinking back on it now I think it was striking the kind of affect society had on me that our early games involved getting married and settling down and having children. It's only as I got older that I started to realize that life is more varied and there's more and to really understand that it was possible for women to be independent and on their own, but I think I struggled early with what my existence meant because of what society told me. As a 10 year old, I was really impressionable and really influenced and concerned though that that's how I would be treated when I grew up. It was my reality and I thought that that's what I could expect from my future, but then I saw Hiei, where stuff like that didn't matter to him and I instantly liked him because I thought if it was someone like him I would be seen. Like actually seen and appreciated as a person rather than objectified or like viewed as a toy for someone else's pleasure.

But then he's a fictional character, right? I thought he was perfect at the time and because of that, in my teen years I thought surely I'd be alone because someone like that doesn't exist in real life. Even after him, I had a small crush on Sun Wukong, the Monkey King, from Journey to the West in middle school because of a Chinese drama and the book as in chapter 24 or 25 a demon proposes to him and tries to tempt him, but a) he's a monk and someone who has left the family can't suddenly go and get married without giving up monkhood, and b) he says he'd actually be an inconsiderate and bad husband to her so it's not good for her. He also went through the entire book basically beating Pachieh for being a lazy ass lecherous lout, which ingrained more in me how much I really wanted there to be someone who didn't just chase skirts all day. I still liked Hiei a lot around that time, but through Sun Wukong I realized that he's a monk, so my idea of a perfect person is impossible because it's based of someone who can't/won't marry at all. So then disappointed by my possible options at the time I made compromises on what I wanted and how I let myself be treated. As a consequence of that I suffered a lot for 20+ years that way at the hands of grade A a-holes before learning about asexuality or even that people in real life that can and do have self-control exist or thought playing with the hearts of girls was a game. I went through a great deal of trauma and harassment before I understood that and eventually came back around to Hiei as a result.

Like...it's not even necessarily how they would treat just me, but I was deathly afraid of being cheated on and that happens if someone doesn't get enough out of a relationship and society was telling me that men did really often because they are insatiable. So because of that I met a lot of guys that were asses that I didn't know were asses at the time because I thought that was normal. I know now, but I came to know that at a cost of going through those painful experiences.

So in that way, YYH is not only nostalgic but a therapeutic salve for me. I especially revisited it right after I had come out of a workplace sexual harassment incident, and I needed a reminder that there are people out there that would actually see me. I binged the entire series over again during my recovery, and it was just kind of nice reminiscing about Hiei and remembering why I liked him as a 10 year old, and in my older maturity I also learned about asexuality and came to realize that I myself am on that spectrum I guess and Hiei probably is too. For myself, I believe I'm demisexual, but also I just feel normal? But like in comparison to everyone else in the world that seems to be super obsessed with their sexuality, I guess I am because I don't care that much and I kind of just want to exist and live my life. It's not like I never experienced desire or anything, but it's over people that I already liked because reasonably of course you'd feel that way about someone you were interested in, and plus there's just a time and a place. Like I don't understand the point or logic of being horny in the middle of class or when you're at work and you have to get shit done. My goal at these locations is not this, so I don't think about it. But apparently people who aren't ace don't think this way, so apparently I'm ace, but mostly I'm legit shocked by how some people can't focus on the task at hand and like you know, wait for an appropriate situation. It's like, I don't know. Apparently if you're able to be goal oriented and focused without getting distracted by random sexual desire, you're ace. Like I don't really know whether or not Hiei is ace, but like if you go by this scale I guess he is because he's able to be single-mindedly focused on training and getting stronger and surviving.

Plus like, most of the rest of the "candidates" if you look at the rest of the cast if he did think about it is kind of annoying to him, his sister, would be weird cuz they're related to a friend, or even taken or have other commitments. Like even if we humor the idea of him being interested in Kurama, Kurama wants to stay human and honor his human mother. Even if there was interest, this is a natural deal breaker where their life paths just diverge because they want different things and that's okay. I don't actually think he even thought about anyone else he met on that level at all because he does have a lot of issues with abandonment and stuff and grew up to be self-reliant because he had no one and had no reason to really trust anyone else. Like when he was a kid he did kill a lot partly to survive and stuff, but also like...the first people he met after he got thrown off a cliff were a bunch of thieves who tried to take his hiruiseki from a sealed baby. Even if they raised him, he had no reason to really trust them fully either. With the cast, he's been able to develop a trust with them, but most of them still don't know or connect to him and his experiences. Like if anyone, only Kurama probably knows in any amount of detail what happened to him, and everyone else probably doesn't want to pry or just aren't really interested in knowing anything beyond who he is now. All this is just to say even if he wasn't ace and he did think about anyone else, none of them would look "promising".

That's a digression a bit, but just saying there's a fair argument to be made either way for whether or not he's ace or even whether or not I am just because that's what it seems to feel like in comparison to everyone else in the world. But still, after that trauma, I just needed a reminder and it being a precious part of my childhood was an added bonus. These days though, I think Hiei is important to me as a symbol of who I'd like just because I just want someone to keep me company sometimes and to talk to, but would also leave me alone and give me privacy and agency. Like I don't actually think that's too much to ask for, but apparently that's a huge ask from the universe. As an older person that went through a lot, that's so important to me now. When I was in my 20s it did matter to me back then if I got married and such, but then my Dad passed away and I realized I only wanted to do that to show my Dad that I was all grown up and he didn't need to worry about me anymore. It's not even like that's something my Dad expected cuz my Dad was really chill, but it's something that I wanted to do because of my Dad and what he meant to me. If he's not going to be there though because he passed though, I don't really care about getting married at all. It's not the same if he's not even going to be there. My idea of the ceremony and everything I wanted included him and I just can't imagine it without him. If it happens, I'd be perfectly okay with just a city hall registration and then not worry about it. But like generally these days, sometimes I think it'd just be nice to have a dedicated person to talk to sometimes, but other than that, eh.

Like my trauma gave me a lot of hang ups and trust issues too, so when it comes down to it I just want a reliable person I can talk to about things so I'm not like completely alone with my thoughts. That sounds very simple, but again apparently that's a big ask. Friends and family have their own lives and can't always be there for you, so yeah, for me that's all I want. Like I can imagine him just chilling on my balcony looking out at the world and I'm inside playing games and also asking him to please make sure no bugs come in if he wants to be out there chilling. At meal times we get something to eat by delivery or go out and grab something, but other than that it's just a coexistence with occasional venting or discussion about what's happened recently. He doesn't fully understand most of the human world stuff I complain about, but he's got my back by listening and let's me take care of things in my own way because I don't really need his help. I just want to talk to someone about it to let it out. But when I actually need another perspective, he listens and tries to understand and give an honest opinion that I can work from to figure things out.

I think in that kind of way and attitude, I'm similar to Mukuro in some respects because it's kind of how she runs her group and carries herself in general. Like she's mostly independent and just doing her thing and made a safe place for herself. She's still more in the midst of her trauma though, and I think it's problematic that she lashes out violently when in a bad mood and someone who is well meaning says the wrong thing she doesn't like, but I also admire her ability to still have humor and generally be ok being alone. Being self-sufficient by yourself is something we don't appreciate enough. She has men under her in her troop/army/whatever, but that's different as they like view her as a boss. That she doesn't care really if Hiei stays with her or not I think is admirable and a message more ladies should see because a lot of women out there just lose themselves in the relationship and to their significant other. But like she also just genuinely earned the respect of others by fighting her way to the top, and Hiei really respects what he made of herself to just be accomplished. For most things she's pretty independent, but I even have concerns that she shows some signs of slight dependency on Hiei or at least on his hiruiseki because she found comfort in it. It's nice that she for the most part allows him freedom though even though she seems to have some kind of attachment. But mostly it's just like, the lashing out. When I was like 12 and immature I was definitely jealous of her to a degree, but these days I have more of a neutral opinion because I'm grown and I can see more of her depth and appreciate her for her accomplishments. I just generally still have an issue with her lashing out. It's not like I've always been completely innocent in that department either, but when I did I was 6 and had no concept of what I was doing. When the consequences came, I learned what the situations really meant/were. She, on the other hand, is hundreds of years into these kinds of bad habits, so it'll be harder for her to break the cycle and change than a 6 year old learning about interactions with other people and that other people in fact have feelings.

There's also like...I think the way she went about revealing herself in the manner that she did also stems from her trauma in that like I don't think she knows an appropriate alternative and may have been functioning from a perspective of her abuse and assuming that guys like that like I did when I was a child. Some people say that Hiei didn't seem to mind, but I don't know if it's that he didn't mind. I think it's more like he was dying so there was nothing he could do about it anyway, and his empathy for what of her past issues that she shared with him that he knew of he tried to just be understanding even if it did kind of bug him and invade his privacy a bit. She kind of mostly backed off after that and just let him do things freely and gave him privacy, so there was no reason for him to really hold that against her. Back when I was 12 I wasn't happy with that situation because it was non-consensual, but as an older person now I can see approximately how it played out that way and come to an understanding similar to how I think Hiei did.

So basically, as someone who has come back around to Hiei as like a symbol for what I'd like to have in my life at this point after an immense amount of shit IRL guys have put me through, I kind of wish for someone even better for Hiei than her. Togashi wanted to write more with her, but also I think his weakness and weakness with the world and especially Japan is the assumption that women can't commit DV too. Women can, and it's still not ok. Like in the 90s it wasn't talk about like at all that men could also be victims because of toxic masculinity, sexism, and low reporting as a result, so it probably didn't occur to him or anyone else that her actions in hitting Hiei aren't ok. I don't know if that's more of a realization now in Japan, but in the world at large that is something we are starting to be more aware of as important. So for me as a fan, I just want someone even better who would treat him better, and he doesn't have to "save" them from their PTSD. I kind of wish someone for him would be more ready for him and together because he did a lot of healing already on his own through Yusuke and company and making friends.

To that end, I own exactly 1 YuuHaku doujinshi and it's a collection of chapters from various artists about scenarios for dating all the major characters in the anime/manga. It's generally reader x character, but it's pretty well done. I really like the artists' interpretation for how a human could meet and develop a bond with Hiei in a positive way that seems natural. There's room for emotional connection, but also like mutual respect for each other's way of life and life path. It's so nice and it's made by other fans looking back at this fandom. I highly recommend it and and it's just kind of nice to see all the characters bond with a potential someone else that doesn't exist in the series. If I recall, there's a chapter even for Mukuro with a human that shows up in Makai somehow and impresses her by making her a dress or something. It sounds ridiculous, but it's believable and all in good fun.

My trauma and just my thoughts since I was a child about my fears of pitfalls of relationships though and my venture into like Journey to the West even also fuels my interest in cultivation novels now. It's part of my heritage, but generally cultivators abstain from sexual activity because it's usually bad for your cultivation to indulge too much because you release too much of your qi in the process. So similarly cultivators are usually more single-minded and exhibit self-control as a matter of necessity. Similarly, before I knew what asexuality was, I told people I was more "traditional Chinese" because Confucianism also preached this amount of self-control because of Chinese belief systems, and also because literal kingdoms and empires fell because the King was too obsessed with one concubine. Confucianism is also very heavily misogynistic and I know that, but like also if people had self-control to not throw away their entire lives to get laid, I don't think I'd need to think of myself as ace. Apparently people who aren't ace really act the fool when they're trying to get some, and that's one of the reasons why Confucianism was popular as a guide for how to rule properly. Like maybe don't torture your people to test out your psycho concubine's weird, violent ideas because you want to make the happy so that they'll go to bed with you.

This anxiety though over relationships though has only gotten worse as one of my favorite voice actors had married up recently, but even though he has a frickin' amazing wife, he still cheated on her with a fan. Like I was really supportive of him and his relationship, and I'm an outside party but I feel so disappointed in him and in men in general that he could marry someone so wonderful and still have that not be enough. It just makes me think that if I am not able to have a comfortable situation where there's trust and communication and like freedom and privacy in good balance, I just don't want anything and I'd rather be alone. Cuz why put myself through all that? I have actual health affects from my traumas too. My heart was in dire pain from the pedo I met when I was in middle school messing with me emotionally. I was in incredible pain and became depressed and suicidal when the guy I liked in hs became a bully because he was uncomfortable about my having feelings for him. A number of unrequited situations in uni and a backstab from a friend then finally led me to I believe acquire takotsubo cardiomyopathy, but I'm not sure. I just knew that when I parted ways with our mutual friend that I had feelings for I had heart attack symptoms that I didn't get treated for because of insurance reasons which permanently damaged my body in some ways. I have some occasional circulation issues and actually the vision in my left eye is permanently much poorer than my right eye because of that time. And then when my Dad died, I was also at such a loss emotionally that I believe I actually almost died and had a near death experience. I know from that, that I'm clearly very badly affected by having my heart broken, so if I choose to be with anyone I really want them to not be a dick because I might die from the relationship. And with that fear, I find myself looking back at Hiei again. The character and figure that I held in such high esteem when I was 10 because he represents what would be safe.